I sat here and started writing this post a few minutes ago and my post “disappeared” just as I hit “Publish”. No drafts apparently made it to “save” and I have tried in vain to try to “pull it back”. The only thing that seems to have survived is the html code for the graphic I had decided I would use for the post. When I hit “paste”, there it was.
I woke up earlier than usual this morning, knowing I had a good night’s rest (turned in before midnight, believe it or not) and then got up after the first alarm just after 5am. But I had a heaviness in my heart and it took me a while to remember what it was.
I had a most disturbing dream about someone who I hate to think about and whose very presence, even if not in my life, has and continues to cause me so much pain. I am trying to let it go, but when she visits me in my dreams, everything seems to fall apart. And I don’t normally dream about people I know… my dreams tend to be bits and pieces of a never-ending movie starring me, myself and I. When someone I know actually pops up in my dreams, I get worried and think of it as a message from the universe that needs heeding.
But this one person whose actuations had distorted my life beyond comprehension the past year is a constant ghost in my dreams. I just saw a draft about yet another “visit” sometime in July — and back then, I had gotten so upset I never even finished the post. This time, it’s different. I feel like I have a need to exorcise my demons by speaking out.
I wish I had the grace to forgive, but my lessons on forgiveness in the recent past have been fraught with disappointment and frustration. We have seen it all too often in the movies how when one is hurt by another, that person comes down on bended knee to seek forgiveness, and then makes up for that transgression to earn it and all’s well that ends well. I have forgiven and yet I never got anything back for the forgiveness I gave. I didn’t get anything that made me feel good. My debacle was not solved. The storm seems to have abated, but it didn’t really leave.
Yet other portions of my life have gone on as if nothing had happened. I try. Until the she comes in my dreams yet again to haunt me.