A day before hitting the big 39

I actually received a birthday greeting from a girlfriend from high school now based in Australia greeting me a happy 40th.. I wanted to bop her in the head.. she should’ve remembered we were the same age, and she is turning 39 this June.  So perhaps in terms of “state of mind” she has grown older — and more forgetful — of such matters.  I forgive her.

So here I am buried in files at work — trying to find a sheaf of papers my boss thinks she gave me, but which I have no recollection of whatsoever.  So between my selective amnesia and her propensity to misplace her papers, there’s a million and one places where that file could be.  And she wants to take it home.  (Yes, it’s 4PM, leaving me 2 hours to burrow through my heaps here and find it!)

Meanwhile, I’m wondering how I can sneak out to take my mom out to the doctor tomorrow for an 11:30 appointment.  (Maybe clone myself and have my “copy” stand in here at work.

I haven’t really made plans about celebrating my 39th birthday except that I know I will take home a quart of Cold Stone Creamery’s ice cream.  I’m supposed to be entitled to 5 mix-ins.. let me see.. let’s have banana, white chocolate chips or the crunch bar, yellow cake, maybe graham crackers (let me think about that..), and marshmallows.. (I can only have 5..)  I haven’t even thought of a cake.. maybe I’ll pick up one from the neighborhood bakery which I’ve come to discover serves some fantastic goodies.

I’m thinking if I will treat the family out to a birthday feast (besides the actual treat Alan is giving on Mikey’s and my behalf closer to Mikey’s birthday..)  All I know is this is a truly special birthday because Mommy is with me, and Angel is not here, and Alan and I have been together for 5 years..  It’s blessings like that that make turning 39 truly worth celebrating.



A mom's dilemma

I had already booked my mom for a flight back to Manila on April 20.  Yesterday, she walked up to me and told me she was hoping to have the flight moved up to Monday, April 4 (!) because she had started to feel weak and was afraid she wasn’t going to make it to April 20.

My whole evening was thrown out of whack because April 20 was already a nightmare as far as trying to make arrangements for taking care of Angel — having her out of here much, much earlier was going to be double the problem.

Fortunately, her trip cannot be moved just that easily.  (In fact I called the agency this morning and I needed them to call back to give me availabilities.)  The change fee, thank God, was going to be a measly $75 and not the $200+ I anticipated. 

I am very worried about Mom’s health.  I don’t want her thinking I’m “keeping her hostage” here.  I also believe she needs medical attention, but I am just asking for a few more days.  Tomorrow is April 1 already, and that means 19 days to go.  I even figured she was asking for the 4th just because it’s past my birthday this weekend.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she will find solace in the Doctor’s reassurance that she is going to be better soon.  I hope her aches and pains go away until it’s time for her to go. 

Meanwhile, I’m busy thinking about how we are going to make it through her earlier departure if and when we get an earlier booking.  (Alan is insisting we not move her departure since we are seeing a doctor anyway.)  So tomorrow we will see good old Dr. Andrew Kim, a kindly general practitioner down in Flushing.

I hope Mom feels good enough to stay.. at least another 20 days.

Did anybody say Clapotis Craving?

Cross posted on pinayfrancophile.blog.com

I came across the term “clapotis” in a knitter’s weblog, and just googling the word gave me a hundred and one web posts and websites dedicated to this very delicate yet versatile scarf/shawl that is reportedly a French phenomenon.

Hmmm… so as soon as I finish my initial knitting project, I will embark on an ambitious project to work on one.  I read in knitty.com that this is something French inspired.  Hmmmm again.. I am so excited I am thinking of doing this in tandem with my initial project which is crawling at a snail’s pace.  *sigh*

I will finish that one first and then do this!

Kntting Project: I tried..

I managed to put Angel to sleep just before 11PM, and by the time I had prepared coffee for the automatic coffeemaker for the next morning, washed Angel’s feeding bottles and put away stuff left in the kitchen (just so my Mom won’t descend on it the next morning and trouble herself with taking care of everything), it was almost midnight.

Still, I decided I would try and stitch a few rows.. I think I managed 3.. LOL.. 3 a day won’t be so bad.  I have a lot of yarn waiting to be made into something wearable.. I have to keep going…

Knitting Project: Multi-colored scarf

I went up to the attic last Sunday and foraged through my craft boxes for the fancy yarns I had accumulated through the years.  I have quite a few vari-colored balls of yarn that I bought in limited quantities not knowing what exactly they would be for. 

I picked up an unfinished cap and unthreaded it and decided this would be my first scarf.  I had to start and redo the beginning as I tried to decide how wide I wanted the scarf to be.  It’s a 4-ply spool and I’m using the bigger knitting needles to make the stitches more relaxed. The spool is of darker hues so I’m not too sure how “even” or “uneven” the stitches are turning out to be.  For now, I’m doing basic knitting stitches and have decided that I will decorate and spruce up the scarf with trimmings instead of fancy stitches.  (I am not THAT ambitious!)  And since I only have 2 spools of this fancy yarn, if and when I decide to do a matching cap, I’ll just pick one of the shades present and do a single color piece.

I’m knitting 30 stitches across and have decided to stop there and just keep knitting.  I haven’t touched my now 6 inch long project since I started, but will hopefully do a few rows tonight.  (Keeping my fingers crossed).  I’m still searching for the projects I will “unthread” — or should I say, “unravel”?

Knit, knit, knit away!

Play time

Alan and I were on the bus when his cellphone rang and it registered “Home”.  Then I heard him saying “Angel?”.. our little guy was talking on the phone, and by himself, had managed to dial (probably through speed dial) his Dad’s cellphone. 

By the time we got home he was off to la-la land, and we weren’t able to play anymore.  We did play early this morning when I read a few nursery rhymes to him and we played “Smell mom’s coffee” which he enjoys.  I guess it gives him a sense of sharing my breakfast time on the counter with him on my lap.

Saying goodbye wasn’t hard this morning.  Elmo’s World helped me out the door.

Counting the days to turning 39

In 5 days, I will be 39 years old.  Just typing it down feels old.  (I can almost hear my brother, Abril, tell me, “Matanda ka na.”)  But it feels old in a good way.  I don’t feel like I’m outdated.. or past my prime — I just feel wiser, knowing I’m a better person now that I was anytime before this point in my life.

I feel complete, too, now that I not only have Alan in my life, but I have Angelo as well.  At night when I lie down between father and son, and I’m cradling Angel in my right arm as he nurses to make sure he doesn’t fall off the bed (again), I sometimes reach out to Alan and try to hold him, too, if he doesn’t snuggle close to me and hug me from  his side of the bed. 

Being a young family is something very exciting for us.  Alan and I have all these plans for our little one.  Planning his first birthday almost a month after I turn another year older is a major production I’m putting my heart and soul into.

And yet as another year passes, part of me wonders if beyond becoming a mother, I have done anything more to become a better person.  Sometimes I can’t help but wonder where I would be now if I had chosen a different path, or if I had made different decisions in my life.  All I know is that nothing compares to holding Angel in my arms.  Nothing is more magical than hearing his laughter ringing as I play with him.  And even if it tugs at my heart each time he reaches out for me to go and pick him up, it gives me a sense of being needed which compares to none.

So I’m turning 39 looking older but not exactly 39.  I’ve managed to build a family, in my own home after being married for just 5 years.  Being 39 isn’t so bad after all, more so if you wake up each day next to this man I call my husband, and this bundle of joy who lights up my world.

Rainy Monday

For a wet day, I surprisingly got into the office approximately the same time I would get in without the hassle of a wet commute.  I somehow feel like I’m moving about less an arm because I left my pressed powder at home.  (Talk about vanity..)  Otherwise, I think I will live.

Angel was running after me when I was about to go, and I went and gave him a hug assuring him I would be back at the end of the day.  Thanks to “Elmo’s World”, he let me go.  Rather than opt to sneak out, I am trying to teach him the concept of saying goodbye.  Mom has been good at teaching him to wave goodbye, and having Lola there to take care of him while I slowly exit helps a lot.

How I wish I had the luxury of cutting the day short and going home.  Not today, I guess.  I am already neck deep in work but decided to post here.  My way of being with my baby again.  It was a good weekend, I think.  He and I are at a constant tug of war on being carried and not being carried.  I still can’t believe he’s just 10 months old.

A Balancing Act

I promised myself I wouldn’t stay too long online.  I got up from nursing Angel to sleep just a half hour ago, and I’m counting the minutes until I, myself, turn in for the night.  Tomorrow, after all, is another Monday.  Back to work I go.

Angel is asleep in his new playpen.  He likes the sexagon (?) enclosure.  It doens’t fit us as a family but one of us can actually lie down with him.  He is also prevented from climbing up into the two black leather sofas which used to be two of four sides of his “enclosure”.  He was quite a handful today so we didn’t go beyond Easter Sunday mass and our usual Sunday luncheon.  (It was Ground Round today.)

Alan and I had our usual Coldstone Creamery date this afternoon, stopping there before the Gym.  By the time we got to the gym, they no longer let us in because they were closing.  Only in the US will you see establishments closing early on Easter.  Back in Manila, today is the day business roars back to life after falling silent from Maundy Thursday to Black Saturday.

Mom seems to be feeling better.  (Or I sure hope so..)  She seems envigorated by the milder temperature, and the prospect of counting down to her departure on the 20th. 

The 15 year old arrived a few hours ago from his mom’s.  Like his departure, we haven’t said goodbye or hello.  Nothing new.  We used to have complete weekends when he would say nary a word to me.  It used to really get me all upset, now I just accept it as a part of who he is.  Not entirely his fault — his pride was unconsciously molded by the overindulgence of his whims by his elders.  Nothing I can do about that now.  It is a vicous cycle even his Dad has difficult time shaking himself free from. 

I am a parent now so he can no longer tell me I cannot fathom the difficulty because I don’t have a child of my own.  (Remembering him telling me that still feels like a fresh stab to the heart even if it was a lifetime ago.)  I can only pray my son does not fall victim to the same smothering which is now my stepson’s handicap.

I have no say in this teen’s life.  I do have a say in how his presence in my house can affect the wellbeing of my child.  Angelo, for all his innocence, is open game to his environment.

So I have tried my best to shut it all out.  I have ignored he who has chosen to ignore me.  It’s a small house so it is rather difficult to do.  At this point, I no longer have the energy to struggle against it.  Acceptance is the easier if not the only alternative.

I know Alan is desperately trying to do a balancing act — often losing it, but continually struggling to get back up again.



Wide awake at 5AM

Alan, Angel and I fell asleep watching the TV in the living room.  We still have Angel’s little playground laid out, which we know will soon disappear when we finally “install” his new playpen (more like a cage) there in the middle.  He has grown so agile that he can now scale any obstacle and he climbs everything that he can pull himself up from with ease and speed.  It’s just not safe nor prudent to leave him there despite all the fortification mom has employed.

I woke up just after 4AM and now I’m wide awake.  I’m transferring Angel here to the bedroom soon, but I somehow felt the urge to do an early morning Easter Sunday post here on my blog.  (Blog addicted?  I heard it can be unshakable for some!)

I’m trying to reload my phonecard.  I’m not quite sure yet if I will accede to my Dad’s request for me to call him.  Now don’t get me wrong,  I miss my Dad.  I really do.  I know I could call him every week if I wanted to.  But I don’t.  The conversation can go wrong in so many ways.  He sometimes asks for the pettiest of things, and what is worse, he often embarks on a rant about how he feels my Mom has been undermining him while playing deaf or blind to the antics of his second wife.  (Wife is too high a status to accord to the woman who simply shares his bed.)

The poor man hasn’t got the slightest idea that the very person he villifies might just be the only woman who truly loved him ever in this lifetime. 

So I stay away as much as I can.. or at least I try.  Who knows?  I just might call him later.