When you do not have the will to be firm

Bridget’s comment on being a stepson stirred anew some thoughts in my head about my current situation here.  The frustration keeps brewing inside me. 

During one of our previous arguments, Alan told me I should not make him choose.  What he doesn’t seem to see is that his son is the one making him choose — in continuing to act the way he’s acting towards all of us, and in refusing to work with his father, he is actually boxing his father into making the choice of accepting his errant ways or be continually subjected to his abuse.  In a sense, he is asking his father to choose between him and me.

It puts me in a difficult situation because it’s an “external” thorn on our relationship.  I feel it eating at me — like tonight when Mom and I had to take care of preparing dinner by ourselves, with the stepson not setting the table again.  No, I will not make Alan choose.  If we ever get to that point, then making a choice is no longer necessary.  For then it means we would’ve lost “us”. 

We continue to struggle together to resolve this situation.  Don’t get me wrong, I feel very lucky to have Alan as a husband and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to be the father of my son.  But the dynamic of him, Angel and me is totally different from the dynamic of our family with the stepson in the picture.  So am I simply supposed to count the months to the time when he is free to leave the house?  My Mom doesn’t think he will ever leave his Dad’s home, only because his Mom won’t take him in anymore, and because he will never be able to stand on his own if he goes on living his life the way he’s living it.  Worse, I feel his father will not let him go even if he says otherwise… he says he will, but I have a sense his will is not firm on this.

That’s a scary thought.  It makes me want to make contingency plans in the event he “lingers” on.  So I’m not pinning my hopes on that one.  I don’t quite know yet how I will get from tomorrow to that day anyway.  This quandary is the very reason I advise my friends strongly against marrying a man or a woman who has a child from a previous relationship.  Now that I am a mother, the feeling has all the more been reinforced.  How true it is that iba pa rin ang anak.  And yet it doesn’t make it any easier to take.  So I grit my teeth when I feel like saying something, and I hold it in. 

It makes me feel as though I don’t matter in my own home.  I wait for the weekends not just because it’s a chance to spend more time with Angel, but also because it is usually the only time the stepson is elsewhere but with us.  It’s a respite from the disrespect and hostility..  Just one more night and I get my wish.  Big sigh of relief on that one.

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