I am a very transparent person. I hate editing myself and having to be on guard more so when I’m supposed to be with friends. After all, isn’t the essence of friendship being able to be your true self in front of someone without fear of reproach or recrimination? It leaves one with a pervading sense of unease that lingers long after you have said your goodbyes.
If I must edit myself, let it be in situations where the crowd or the place requires it. At work.. in social functions that require a certain decorum.. in public where we are all expected to act guided by the expectations and limitations imposed upon us by the situation. But not when we are with friends.
When we start putting up those precautions and start acting within parameters instead of being able to be ourselves, something changes the dynamic and we end up being lesser friends. Then the question pops up as to whether one can be a “lesser friend”? I’m trying to think about that given that to me, you are my friend or you’re not. You cannot be a semi-friend, an almost friend, or a super friend. “Dear” friend, “Best” friend, “Close” friend are but definitions of the degree of being a friend — and those adjectives or modifiers are but meant to describe the kind of friend you are, so you are either a friend or not.
Thinking about this has admittedly put a slight dampener on my Christmas spirit. After all, I’ve always thought of the holidays to be all about friends and family. They are the people with whom I can be myself. I don’t have to worry about asking the wrong question, or expressing an opinion about something. I don’t have to tread on ice. They are within my “comfort zone”. That is why thinking of Christmas and thinking of them makes it such a special and warm occasion in my mind. Because among family and friends, I need not edit myself.