I just had a most interesting evening tonight — unsettling for the most part, but there were a few good parts that I am trying hard to focus on so that I can forget about what had upset me.  What I had hoped would be a quiet evening with friends of Alan turned into an unpleasant experience with one which led me with no choice but to leave the party early. 

It had gotten me so upset that I can’t even remember when I had gotten this emotional about anything in recent months.  I managed to stay calm but not without effort.  I tried diplomacy which got me nowhere.  I tried to remind myself the person I was speaking with had imbibed what must’ve been a good amount of alcohol in the spirit of celebration that had infected the intimate party early on.  I thought I could keep my emotions in check and just laugh it off.

But I felt my emotions creeping up into my face — and I was beginning to show signs of shaking as part of my face pulsed with an irritated sense of excitement.  I saw a finger being jabbed at me and a voice raising its tone, that I felt the best thing to do was get up and apologize that I had to leave.  I walked to my husband and told him we had to go.  Thankfully my son didn’t beg to stay. 

It was a small party, it was a familiar circle.  They asked if I was okay.  I had to be honest that I wasn’t that was why I was leaving, but I tried to assure them that I’ll be fine.

It’s been three hours since I got home but my brain is wide awake while I feel tired trying to convince my body to sleep.  It’s like a light switch had been flipped in my head and I’m still blinded by the light.  I can’t even remember everything I heard — I do remember, though, the emotions it stirred up in me.  I guess some people can just feel strongly about certain things like I do. 

So the night ended early for us. I  almost feel bad for Alan for having dragged him out of the party, but I had no o ther choice.  I felt my emotions were going to get the better of me any moment — so I chose a safe and hasty exit — before my emotions betrayed me, or before they made me do or say something I would end up regretting later, I thought it was time to just leave.

Holding Angelo’s hand as we crossed the street was most comforting.  Having Alan calmly let me deal with my emotions and go and take the family home was all the support I needed.  I felt him holding my hand even if it was Angelo’s in mine.  I’ll get over it.  Tonight, I’m just going with the flow. After two episodes of CSI Miami, I’mnow watching Without A Trace.  Getting there, getting there.

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