Disconnect

It has been a most unusual and eventful weekend — but I am hard pressed to find the right way to describe it, but “disconnect” seems to be a good way to describe the last two days.  Not so much mine but of others — and I have unfortunately been on the receiving end of the fallout from such disconnect.  It started with a birthday cake someone wanted someone else to get me, then she said “I am not a backstabber like some others say..,” then “Deep inside, I’m still a girl.”  Three topics in one sentence that started to put me on guard — something was not right.  “I’m F-ing drunk.”  There’s the conclusion.

No details are forthcoming.  Suffice it to say that I sat down to what I thought would be a quiet evening — and I stood up in great emotional distress, torn between screaming or crying.  I honestly didn’t know which was coming, so I thought an exit was the wiser option.  It allowed me to take a deep breath followed by a few dozen more, and I found my equilibrium once again.

Sometimes we are misled by others to think everything is fine, when deep inside they are already judging you with a narrow mind.  We think that that what we see is what we get when there is disagreement beneath the surface.  Life has a way of springing a surprise on the unsuspecting — and I found myself the object of one. 

Twenty-four hours after, I’m sitting here reading a non-apology — and realizing that there was more to that barrage that hit me last night.  Apparently there was a  seething anger or disagreement beneath the smiles and friendliness I saw.  My own naivete led to my undoing — me the Queen of the benefit of the doubt.  It was ironic that that was precisely what I had been denied.  But we always have to answer for our exercise of judgment good or bad  – and the exercise of bad judgment is one’s own loss.

I am not angry.  I am indifferent.  It wasn’t a loss to me in the sense of losing a friend.  A door was shut in my face, so I will turn around and find one that will open.  What else is there for me to do but just move on?  There is nothing to fix.  How do you undo all that has been said?  Blame it on the alcohol.  I think not.  The feelings had long been simmering, the alcohol merely set them free… hence, the disconnect.

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