Monday Blues

Mondays are a natural “alarm clock” for me to visit my blog dashboard and I’m reminded I haven’t been here all week. It doesn’t help that my (outdated) browser keeps giving me a “bad gateway” whenever I try to start a post. *sigh* But I am trying not to let that get to me as I want to get on with my week on as positive a note as I can manage. While “Happy Monday” doesn’t quite sound as nice as “Happy Friday”, we all need a little bit of cheer as the rains greeted us when we walked out the door.

So I am wearing a splash of color today despite my all black main ensemble. I have a silk orchid clipped to my fuschia pink short sweater which definitely brightens up my “Lady in Black” drama. I am trying to carry my period of mourning as far as I can. So far so good. Part of me is still coping with Dad’s demise. I still have more thank you notes to write — but the important thing is I’ve started writing them. I haven’t quite gotten to starting my scrapbook about him, but I have started gathering photos that I have on hand. Over the weekend, I pulled one of my empty fancy storage boxes from my closet and put the baseball cap and handkerchief that I took from his things. I will put my letters and his letters to me there, too. It’ll be within easy reach should I feel the need to touch them and feel them again.

I still catch myself thinking of him when I see something I would normally pick up in the grocery or at the store to send to him. Then I have to remind myself he’s gone. I’m still taking it a day at a time. Remembering Dad still gives me pause to just take it all in., but I try not to let the feeling linger, because it’ll bring back the tears and the pain again.

I have never quite suffered a loss like I am going through now, not because I hadn’t lost anyone as dear, but the circumstances behind Dad’s passing were quite emotional and more complicated. I lost my favorite grandmother at age 7, and a favorite Aunt who was like my second mom at age 23. Both were sick and while their passing was expected, their death left me with a numbing loss but not the one that came with as much pain as that which I am feeling now.

In time, I know, I will come to terms with the unanswered questions, and while the feeling of loss will never be totally gone, I am hoping that the pain it occasions in my heart when I think about him now will eventually subside.

Digital Scrapbooking Alert: New Freebie from Shabby Princess

One of my favorite ever digital scrapbooking sites is ShabbyPrincess.com, which also makes TheShabbyShoppe.com one of my favorite digital scrapbooking Online stores.

For the uninitiated, digital scrapbooking is the use of digital media (graphics, papers, etc.) to create scrapbook layouts.  Hybrid scrapbooking, on the otherhand, is the use of digital scrapbooking elements for hard copy or printed scrapbook layouts which I am into.  (There’s just something different about the way memories come back when you actually turn the pages of an album, and having bits and pieces of mementos clipped to the pages like tickets, brochures, articles or magazine write ups.)

I usually go and visit the Shabby Princess to find new ideas and inspiration for my scrapbook layouts.  Her shop produces very good quality digital scrapbooking kits which are unique and professionally rendered.  When I first got into digital scrapbooking some 6 years ago, her site provided me with a treasure trove of digital freebies which are available on the website.

Today I just discovered they had released the Plentiful Collection which you can get by clicking here.  (The link will take you the page where the download links are available. )

The kit is a good sized download but it has been broken up into 8 batches for those who might have difficulty downloading huge files.

Free Digital Scrapbook Kit available from Shabby Princess

Give me a few days to come up with a layout using this kit!

Here but not quite

I stop by here everyday but don’t quite get to write as much as I’d like to.  I’ve been busy.  (The oldest excuse for not tending to my little corner here.)  Although there are a hundred and one thoughts racing through my mind all day — at least 10 of which would be post worthy — getting to sit down and actually find the right words to get the ball rolling so to speak is completely another matter.  This one, though, is a deliberate attempt to write.  (Looks like I’m succeeding!)

The mornings are now more pronouncedly colder, and looks like the airconditioner can go on hibernation now.  We are continuing with our home project — and the bedroom is practically done except that we have yet to hang our curtains which I hope to do this weekend.  (Have to do the hems!)  Alan and I are very proud of what we’ve come up with, and have already started working on the living room.

I’m getting on with the crafting for my Etsy Shop but even that has hit a slump with the weekend.  Life and work, of course, continues to be a distraction.  I haven’t quite completely caught up with Magkaribal either.  (And my blog server is refusing to let me embed a link there.. hmmmm.)

I have my beat up CD of Jose Mari Chan’s Christmas in Our Hearts album on my desk, hoping to “rip” my favorite Christmas song, “Perfect Christmas”  so I can save it to my blackberry.  The so-called “ber” months are here and it’s time to think of Christmas cards and all the trimmings of the holiday season.  But of course before that, there’s Halloween and then Thanksgiving.

I’m getting there.  Angelo already picked out his costume and is raring to do a “broadcast” for The Angelo Report.  We’re raring to fix our place up and decorate for both holidays.  Last year wasn’t quite as festive because we had spent the holidays in Manila.  I managed to make some Christmas cards but didn’t get to make or send as many as I had really wanted.

It’s just another one of those moments where you find youself saying time just flew by.  The only thing I regret not being able to do is read.  2010 hasn’t been a profilic year for me in that department.  I haven’t chalked up any new reads since the beginning of the year and I’m still in the midst of finishing the English El Fili.

I should try harder, I know.

Someone told me it’s a beautiful day out there.  I stayed in for lunch so all I see is the splendor of sunshine as seen over 40 storeys above Manhattan.  Tempting.  Maybe later.

So Fall has officially arrived.  It’s my favorite time of the year picture-wise.  The colors are more vibrant when summer comes upon us, but they are most dramatic when autumn comes.  I cannot wait to take my tiny cam which produces SLR-like photographs around one of these days.

Another Monday

The Angelo Report The weekend saw me working on several pieces for posting at the shop as I am hardpressed to convert my growing stash of supplies to actual saleable items and hopefully, eventual sales.  I had a query about a possible order for 6 of my memory wire pearl bracelets over the weekend, but I couldn’t fill the order for lack of the right size and shape of pearls I needed to duplicate a design already on sale.  Lesson learned: extra supplies might be needed.

Meanwhile, it’s another Monday.  I’m a tad bit inappropriately dressed because I left home where it was windy and rainy, and arrived here in Manhattan in my fuschia pink light coat and black turtleneck where the sun was shining in full splendor.   *SIGH*  And to think home is just 20 minutes away!  Mother nature can indeed be very fickle-minded.

School has resumed and the little tyke just gave me a call.  At least he remembered (“Call Mommy when you arrive.)  I am happy we are back to our routine.  So at almost 4pm, I’m starting to think about what I’m  serving for dinner.  Weekdays tend to be more routine because I don’t really get home before 7pm most nights, and I have to whip something up in under an hour.  He asked me ever so smugly, “Mommy, are you happy that I called?”  Of course I was.

Our current project is to turn these videos taken from my blackberry into a webcast he wants to put up under the title “THE ANGELO REPORT”.  (I haven’t set up the YouTube channel yet only because I am still trying to find a converter so I can edit the film clips in 3gp format and combine them into one film clip.)  We had so much fun shooting segments last week in Bryant Park (!), his venue of choice.  I am raising a broadcaster-wannabe, complete with request for microphone (mom’s tube of lip gloss) and a people-traffic heavy venue.  Blame this on I-Carly, one of his current favorite shows where Carly and friends have a very popular webshow.  I am thinking our next post should be shot using my trusty digital camera so the format will be better suited for the MovieMaker I use to edit.

It was just such a thrill watching him speaking with such confidence,  and his nonchallant declaration that he wanted to be famous.  Didn’t we all at one time dream about fame?  Forget about fortune… for now.

So Mommy is “camera girl” while we shoot.  “Action!”

The Soap Opera that is our lives

I’ve been caught up watching Magkaribal, and I’m one episode short of being up to date.  The last episode I watched last night hit too close to home, with Mark Gil’s character, the errant father, meeting his end before he could set things right between his two daughters who didn’t even know they were the sister the other one was looking for.  He wanted to make amends and do right by his children.

I decided to skip the last episode for the week and postpone watching it for the morning.  I thought I was tired and decided it was late enough to hit the sack but instead I found myself thinking of Dad.  I know it’s probably far-fetched to connect the soap opera with my own life’s drama as far as my Dad’s recent passing, but I somehow made the connection.

Dad’s passing had left many questions unanswered.  The days following his death only raised more questions than produced answers.  I found out he was trying to have a will drawn up where he was relinquishing his half of the property he was occupying before his death to my half sister, and I knew it was because her mother could not be an heir.

While under the law this was not legal due to the concept of legitimes owing to us his children (including my half sister’s share as an illegitimate child), it appears that the lawyer my father was speaking with was working on having the will drawn up, but as fate would have it, the will was never signed.

Given all the things that had been happening before Dad’s passing and the problems we were trying to solve, it hurt me to realize that it was indeed true that my Dad didn’t seem to care about helping us with our dilemma,   But what hurt more was the realization that his partner had postponed calling us and getting us involved with this last hospitalization because she was afraid that another reconciliation would happen between my father and his children, just as had happened the previous two instances he was confined.

Too many things shouldn’t have happened and I kept repeating Dad shouldn’t have died.  Twice before, he was brought to the hospital on the brink of death, and yet he left in a better state.  This one time he wasn’t brought in for anything life threatening, because we were not involved, the wrong decisions were made leading up to his expiration.

Looking back now I got a reaffirmation that everything happened for a reason.  I would’ve wanted Dad to have stayed on longer, but that is not for me decide.  As they say, when it’s your time, it’s your time. 

I lay there and felt the tears coming — wondering if before he breathed his last, he actually changed his mind.  Perhaps he did.  Perhaps he never signed for a reason — not just because those scheming to make it happen never got the chance to have him sign.

There are many “if”s and “what might have been”s… I just let the tears flow and I realize I miss Papa and wish I had the chance to hold him before he died.  Yet I was fortunate enough to have taken care of him the last two times we saw each other.  I fed him, held him up, and stayed there by his side.  And I was there to lay him to rest.

I forgive you, Dad, and hope you forgive me, too.  I wish you peace and may you find yourself with those who went before you.  May you and Kuya find each other there in heaven.  I know he will keep you company, and you two can be together again finally.  I miss you both. 

There will come a time when we will all be together again.