Monday Blues

Mondays are a natural “alarm clock” for me to visit my blog dashboard and I’m reminded I haven’t been here all week. It doesn’t help that my (outdated) browser keeps giving me a “bad gateway” whenever I try to start a post. *sigh* But I am trying not to let that get to me as I want to get on with my week on as positive a note as I can manage. While “Happy Monday” doesn’t quite sound as nice as “Happy Friday”, we all need a little bit of cheer as the rains greeted us when we walked out the door.

So I am wearing a splash of color today despite my all black main ensemble. I have a silk orchid clipped to my fuschia pink short sweater which definitely brightens up my “Lady in Black” drama. I am trying to carry my period of mourning as far as I can. So far so good. Part of me is still coping with Dad’s demise. I still have more thank you notes to write — but the important thing is I’ve started writing them. I haven’t quite gotten to starting my scrapbook about him, but I have started gathering photos that I have on hand. Over the weekend, I pulled one of my empty fancy storage boxes from my closet and put the baseball cap and handkerchief that I took from his things. I will put my letters and his letters to me there, too. It’ll be within easy reach should I feel the need to touch them and feel them again.

I still catch myself thinking of him when I see something I would normally pick up in the grocery or at the store to send to him. Then I have to remind myself he’s gone. I’m still taking it a day at a time. Remembering Dad still gives me pause to just take it all in., but I try not to let the feeling linger, because it’ll bring back the tears and the pain again.

I have never quite suffered a loss like I am going through now, not because I hadn’t lost anyone as dear, but the circumstances behind Dad’s passing were quite emotional and more complicated. I lost my favorite grandmother at age 7, and a favorite Aunt who was like my second mom at age 23. Both were sick and while their passing was expected, their death left me with a numbing loss but not the one that came with as much pain as that which I am feeling now.

In time, I know, I will come to terms with the unanswered questions, and while the feeling of loss will never be totally gone, I am hoping that the pain it occasions in my heart when I think about him now will eventually subside.

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