Searching for that open door

Have you ever found yourself  dreaming that every door you walk towards is locked shut, or the ones you see open close at your face when you finally hit the doorstep?  Every turn seems to lead to a dead end, and no solutions are in sight.  Then you find yourself knocking on those doors, and frantically searching for the one that is open.  There is a promise that when a door closes, a window opens — or something like that.  I’m having one of those days.

I’m usually the eternal optimist.  I don’t give up easily.  There are days though when I feel defeated even before I go to battle.  When you open your eyes  and know that you won’t see the sun shine —  on those days,  I arm myself with prayer.

I try to remind myself everything happens for a reason.  It’s what makes me so afraid when I get so happy — thinking every peal of laughter exacts a price.  The I remember I have a forgiving and loving God.. He wouldn’t give me happiness just so I can have a reason to cry again.  Yet door after door closes.  So I pray again.

“From all the evil that surrounds me, defend me.  And when the call of death arrives, bid me come to thee, so I may praise thee with thy saints forever.”

I prayed the rosary on the way home, then I realized that I keep praying the sorrowful mysteries.  I should have prayed a different set of mysteries the other day, but perhaps because it’s been so long since I last prayed, I forgot when each set was supposed to be meditated upon.  I know Mother Mary will understand.. she hears me, she will know I meant to pray the right ones but missed out.

I’m just exhausted.  Just when I thought I find the solution, another problem pops out of nowhere.  So I scramble.  I keep praying for a break that just won’t come.

I’m supposed to be busy sorting a few things amongst my craft supplies.  I’ve started creating rosary bracelets again — at least the decade of beads (numbering 10), and then I will work to finish them all at the same time.  They’re meant to be gifts.  Tonight I think I’ll work on freshwater pearl bangles.  I’d do art journaling but I don’t have the energy even for that.  Maybe over the weekend.  I brought home my watercolor pencils but I think I’m out of paper to work on.  (Forgot about that..)

I like to dream that all the doors closing aren’t real — that all the doors are actually open and it was just a dream that they kept closing one after another.  Just like I dream I’d hear a hello from a dear, dear friend who has decided to keep away.  Or that all the pain is just part of a nightmare and I wake up into sunshine.  Or that tomorrow there won’t be problems, just solutions.  And I dream of getting a “yes” instead of a “no”.  Where pain is but a distant memory.

Then reality hits me and I realize it’s not quite there — all those things that would make my heart settle down to a quiet peace.  So I think and think again.. and I make a wish.  That “okay” or “fine” come sooner than soon, because I don’t know where else to pull the next ounce of strength I will need to move forward.  And it’s not easy to just give up because so many others rely on me for strength.

I dream of going on a long, long drive.. maybe in a bus heading somewhere north.  Or in a car, riding shotgun.  (I don’t drive though I know how…)  The endless ribbon of highways, traffic or no traffic is inviting.  You can just go on and on and on and leave everything behind.  I wish.