Yesterday

(This post was drafted yesterday, June 5.)

I usually start with a title but today all I could do was sigh before deciding what the heck.. it’ll come to me.

I’ve been floating through my day.. (Why was I thinking it was Monday when it is a Tuesday?)  Angelo’s class had their Earth Day performance and I took a film clip I’m uploading to his YouTube channel (TheAngeloReport) in a day or two… (Need to edit the clips… by the way, check out his channel whose most viewed video is now hitting almost 49,000 views…! – me the proud mommy..)

So I went to work a little late… glided into the office, sat down, and grabbed my black pen.  Through the lunch break I zentangled (yet again), but had to do some do-overs because of some poor decisions on my rendering.  (I tried.)  One particular section of the piece is proving to be problematic, but I think it’ll turn out to be the most ornate portion of this zentangled work.  I’ve tried to patch it up as best I can without making it obvious, until I finally gave up on deciding on a pattern acceptable to me because I was driving myself crazy.  The zentangling was supposed to help me relax… so I have put it away for now.

The sun came out for a bit but it’s cold in New York again.  It’s not as gloomy as the past week, but there is a heaviness in the air.  I went out to get a sandwich from my favorite deli at 2pm.  Late, I know. Almost forgot except that I glanced at the boss’s calendar and I realized he was coming back from a meeting soon.  These days I’m a “subway” girl.  (6-inch roast beef with provolone on flat bread please.)

The weirdest thoughts hit me at the oddest times.  But it’s during those times, I think, that the big ideas hit me, or when the bigger realizations suddenly come to the fore.

Sometimes I think I’m doing too much and trying to get too many things done all at once.  When I wash the dishes, it hits me.  (Another weird thought at an odd time.)  Or when I sit and flip through the on-demand shows as I try to catch up on my current favorites, a lightbulb lights up in my head or one dies, depending on the thought. Sometimes in the morning, on my way to work, when BFF Fe isn’t online chatting me up as I paint my face on the bus, I stare out the window and just let my mind go blank and rest. At times, I succeed. Sometimes, I just go numb.

Sometimes I chide myself for not just being happy with what is. Well, I can keep working on losing weight, I know. I can try to be more organized. I can work on being creative with the cooking. I can go back to studying French again. I can go back to creating pieces and populating the store and maybe make money again. Back to what I always did. That thought gave me pause. I had to stop a while and just stop and think.

Eversince I finished reading Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia, I’ve tried to answer this question that Elizabeth Gilbert, the author, posed to her readers as an after thought to the soul-searching she chronicled in her book. “What do I really, really, really want? I have written an answer every day for a month and can honestly say I haven’t figured it out. Per Gilbert’s suggestion, rereading the entries through time should help me do that (figure things out), but I guess I haven’t written enough.

She also encourages writing a “Happiness Journal” which I’ve been meaning to do but which I haven’t gotten to, where I’m supposed to write what made me happy each day — so that I can have a journal of those happy moments which I can go to for comfort when times are tough. (Maybe I’ll start one today.). Somehow, trying to unconfuse (or confuse) myself has been easier than trying to find a happy moment during the day.

A day at a time, a step at a time…

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