Dark days

There are evenings when I end my day feeling emotionally defeated after I reflect upon how it had gone. I’ve had an okay Sunday more or less.  It’s just that my temper had gotten the better of me a couple of times. All’s well now, but I feel I could have done better given the situation that came up. It’s a thought that draws out a big sigh from deep within my heart. More so because it involves Angelo.

I try. Sometimes I think I actually tend to spoil him. I try to set some limits but often find myself bending backwards and losing in a battle of wills with my little guy.

The boys are out playing tennis and will be picking up pizza for dinner. So I’ve had time to decompress while I tried to catch up with my newspaper collage postcards. I am trying to breathe in the stillness with just me and the TV.

I had gotten so used to being able to vent and having friends to speak with at the touch of a button online or via text. Even my dear old Globe promo text mate has been silent since the unlocked phone which carries my Globe roaming SIM conked out on me. Circumstances have made me opt to just deal with it all, on my own, for the last two months or so. Others would say it helps not to muddle my thoughts with me just listening to my inner voice. I pray, I draw… and I thnk I have gotten better at being by myself through the past couple of months.

The absence of what is familiar and comfy forces one to think with more clarity. I bear no ill-will. Sometimes friends need space, and putting that space between doesn’t mean the end of a friendship. It just means that at this point in time, there is a need to stay away. I have no anger in my heart. I have been blessed with such great friends and I am forever thankful that they continue to bless my life with their presence. But there are just times when I have to be by myself.

It’s just that days like today make me think and wonder if I have to go outside of my current comfort zone and reach out again.  Then that feeling of wanting to be alone and needing to be alone comes over me again.  Am I trying to do too much on my own? The little guy is back, watching TV while resting his head on my shoulder as I tap away. We’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.

Life IS less complicated when the only voice I listen to is mine. I’ve learned to be self-reliant and more definitive about the path I choose to take. Most days, I get to bask in the “happy” longer and the sad thoughts pass more quickly. I just don’t like hearing my angry voice, more so when it is directed towards the one person who gives me reason to keep going.

It does get lonely at times.  It would’ve been lonelier with my “old” self.  These days, I find that the silence of just being helps me more.  Besides, I have gotten used to the thought that my closest friends are all in Manila (with one in Australia) — oceans away. After 12 years of being a New Yorker, I still get all mushy with that thought, but the fact that those friendships have withstood the test of space and time have been a source of huge comfort through the years. And one of the lessons that the distance has taught me is that they are always here in my heart.

And they would know what I mean about wishing I didn’t hear my angry voice. They are there when I need them. They are there even when I’m out here, thinking on my own.  I can hear their voices in my heart.  My voice, though, rises above everyone else, and that’s the voice I hear clearest.

I hear that voice saying that though I might not feel like I’m okay — I WILL be okay.  That though there are those who chose to leave and no longer be a part of my life or who chose to aggravate me rather than help, the ones who matter are those who chose to stay and continue to stay.

Another week begins tomorrow. Another day is here… Goodnight, my inner voice says — go and rest, Dinna.

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