Our temperatures dropped and did they drop over the weekend, so much so that tourists hoping to go around wearing shorts will surely double back to their hotels and change to something warmer. Still light coat weather, but definitely not a “t-shirt and shorts” kind of New York.
I left the house without eating breakfast as I was in a rush, and although I don’t normally walk out of the building to grab a bagel once I’ve settled up on my perch 41 storeys above street-level, but today, I just had to have a(nother) bagel and walk down I did.
Today is Columbus Day and school’s out (so my little guy is home busy with my laptop), but not all companies observe the holiday so I’m at work. Which is just fine. The weekend saw me anxiously thinking my way around a situation at work where one of my boss’s direct reports is constantly trying to throw me under the bus. Subtlety is not one of his strongest suites, and I’m beginning to think the point is to make it known that he’s not a happy camper. Neither am I. I normally would sweep this under the rug and shrug it off, but this one stuck with me all weekend, and it’s just not worth going back to next weekend.. I was thinking about it while I was washing the dishes.. painting my Altered Book backgrounds.. doing my Artist Trading Cards. Well, that and a host of other thoughts.
While I had a fun time being productive with my Altered Book (more or less 20 pages painted!) and finishing up 5 ATCs for swapping, sometimes I hate that my mind quiets down just enough to let heavy thoughts come in. Like I think about the bestfriend I used to talk to practically all our waking hours but who I haven’t spoken with for the last three months or so.. one day she nonchallantly blurts out that I have always been known to be one who couldn’t keep a secret. I am not mad but that put a chasm between us that I think is best left alone for now. Like I told her then, there are too many years between us for me to go back to each one and account for my slip ups. I didn’t realize that hurt was so deep — given the way she let it out. So I apologized for all of them, and then stepped back.
I thought about the other friend who told me that I didn’t have to do anything –that things would fall into place — and how now, even if they didn’t fall into place the way I thought they would, they did. Where that thought would normally elicit relief or a smile, that thought still jabs at my heart for my own failings. Sometimes we literally stumble and fall and just cannot get up. And eventually we accept that there are things that we never get up from. There are transgressions that you pay for to your last breath.
I think about work.. and then I remember a recruiter called me last Friday. =) That thought made me smile. And this morning I saw an e-mail from one of my young friends in Manila — someone I bumped into quite by accident when I saw his blog after googling something for a translation. The young have so much to share and inspire us with. Like this young man who continues to try and go against the odds — now a freshman in the College of Medicine back in UP Manila. He looks to me for sisterly advice but he doesn’t know his own day-to-day triumphs serve as an inspiration to me as I remember those days I braved law school against all odds. Sometimes when we are reminded of our past struggles, we find renewed strength in remembering how we overcame then as we go about our day-to-day living now.
I miss my Mom. I always do — but sometimes I miss her more than normal. Like now.
Time for me to get back to work. Another day.. another week..