I thought August would be better than July with all its heart-tugging sense of loss or heaviness of the heart that dragged me up and down throughout the month. And here I am almost at the end of August still feeling kind of down. Should I be worried that I find solace in shutting myself in a room — or a bathroom stall — and I breathe a deep sigh of relief when I hear the click of the door behind me?
I linger and wish I didn’t have to come out. But even that half a minute longer between opening the door again and walking out to the “world” is comforting.
I have been trying to post for the last two days. There were a lot of things to write about, but there are days when it’s tough trying to pull my thoughts together.
I try to overcome this by keeping busy. And yet that only distracts me — it doesn’t help me get rid of it.
Maybe I’ll sleep early today. That might help.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being such a horrible mom. My temper keeps kicking me on my backside. Or there are times when I think I can do better holding it all in. Between cooking and working the microwave or the espresso machine, I stare blankly into space, or at my hands. Not thinking. Just looking.
I look at myself in the mirror and I wish I could have more self discipline trying to shed the many (many) extra pounds. Or I simply look down and the frustration creeps up on me.
I feel as though I am adrift — not heading here or there. Just adrift.
I try to find inspiration in my usual muses. I try not to read too much of the news back home like I used to. I just worry about my family and friends with the monsoon and the rains. The pork barrel and Napoles scam is much too disgusting and again, frustrating. And even the entertainment section of the news is just down in the gutter with video scandals and all.
Fortunately, there’s some relief from — of all places — Facebook. It’s very heartening to see a dear friend who, in his first bid, won the mayoralty seat of Cainta. I will never tire of seeing him among his people — and I am not surprised to see him wading in chest-deep water taking care of his constituents.
Kudos to you, Mayor Kit. The people of Cainta are lucky to have you.
It reminds me that even in the midst of all the misery we find ourselves steeped in, there is still a lot of good in this world. Napoles and all that corruption be damned.
Perhaps tonight, I’ll shake this off. I might finally go ashore and be adrift no more.
Maybe I need to knead some polymer clay. I made some beads last night which I finally baked after forming them over the weekend form leftover clay. I couldn’t create the necklace I wanted to create, though. I kept botching up the wirework. Again, maybe tonight. Or not.
I’m praying for all the people out in the cold or still wading in water somewhere out there. For all those people in evacuation centers. Keep them all safe and warm in your arms, dear Lord.
2 thoughts on “Adrift”
your post reminds me of a book of the same title.. and this – ‘it is in the wilderness, be it full of woods or waves, that we really learn who we are.’
may you pull through this one, and find yourself ashore.. soon.
Thank you, Mara. There are days when I can come back easily but there are times when it is just a little harder. I know it’ll get better. Sometimes writing about it helps. =)