DAILY PROMPT: If you could fast forward to a specific date in the future, when would it be?
I don’t have a specific date in the future because I don’t know just “when” I will get to where I want to get to. I do know I want to get there.
My world is nowhere near the kind of calm that would enable me to open my eyes each morning with a peaceful thought. I wake up in the oddest of hours in the morning, and I think of the reason why I am waking up when I should be lost in slumber.
The ceiling over my bed is becoming my focus spot even in the darkness. I don’t see anything. No color, no darkness. I see white. And it stays white. I used to drag myself out of bed half-awake still intoxicated with that bliss that takes you over after a restful sleep. I miss that. I wake up — wide awake, eyes open and I am “up” even before I pull myself out of the bed.
I grab my phone and blackberry and saunter out of the room. I start making breakfast. Because it’s winter, it is still dark outside. I find the darkness to be my friend at this time when the silence helps me to get my bearings so early in the day. I move slowly.
I try not to open the TV until I’ve gotten my groove after preparing Angelo’s water jug which I fill with ice and then water to the brim to “semi-freeze” it. That’s the way he likes it. I grab the snack of choice (fave of the moment) and put it in the ziploc bag. For now, that’s pretzel.
My mornings are full of sighs and empty thoughts. I pray. I start with the Serenity Prayer.
I’ve subscribed to Kerygma’s Daily Readings. I try to do this early in the morning or when I find a moment of “peace” at work. It helps that I don’t have to lug my Didache anymore. All the scripture and reflections are literally at the palm of my hand.
Then my day begins. And then it ends. And it goes this way over and over again, punctuated by moments of anger, pain and just numbness. I want to get to that point when the anger will just be a momentary flash. When the pain will just be a memory. When the numbness disappears.
I don’t know how far ahead in the future I must look to to find that point where I would fast foward my life to. I cannot even think of April right now which is just weeks away. I just want to sleep through it and have it be over and done with. I’m thinking maybe I’ll take a trip alone someplace. Then I think not. Again, the numbness takes me over.
I’d like to get to that place again when opening my eyes in the morning means looking forward to another day. When it ceases to be another day I must pull myself through.
I’d like to get to that place when I feel good about life again. When the uncertainty has lessened for I know it will never be truly gone. When I can walk with a steady gait instead of faltering through the hills and valleys I pass or know I will pass. When I am not overwhelmed by the sense of loss I feel now for things, time and opportunities that have been taken away from me by someone’s evil designs.
I want to get to that point when I cease to be evil myself. When I get to that sense of being okay with the world as it is, whatever the state of my world may be. When the thought of ruining someone no longer appeals to me or appeases my anger. When forgiveness finally settles in my heart and soul.