There are times when having a good memory doesn’t serve me too well. I tend to peg events, things and people to dates – and when that date comes around, I relive whatever it was that had happened then – good or bad. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was a happy memory. It’s more difficult dealing with the memories that actually bring back painful or hurtful things, or negative emotions like anger.
I know, I should let it go. I wish it were as easy as that, but it isn’t.
Some things get better with time. But there are pains that stay with us and linger and fade into the darkness, only to resurface at a time not of our choosing.
May 2013 wasn’t so bad — but sometime in the latter part of the year, I realized a couple of things and found out it wasn’t as good as I thought it was and that was that. And while I am glad that May is almost gone, it’s not quite out the door yet. And I’m trying very hard to push the heaviness in my heart away. I don’t always succeed. At times it feels like it’s a never-ending struggle to float up to the surface and grab some precious air. It still suffocates me.
Miami. Chicago. I was in the latter in May, but I’ve never been to the former. And I probably never will go. Again, that’s that.
The good news is, I’ve been hit by a creative energy that has seen me making something out of all this. I’m coming up with new designs and pushing myself to create more and to do things out of my comfort zone for the shop. Some of the pieces I’ve created are screaming for me to wear them which isn’t good because I want to put them up for sale.
I’ve been pushing myself to work out. I might even start that story I’ve been writing in my head, finally. (As if I have all the time in the world to write!!) For the most part, I’ve succeeded in keeping the angry thoughts away, but it doesn’t numb the pain. How I wish I had a switch we could flick like a TV remote which would choose that which we remember. But I can’t.
At least not for now.