It’s still pitch black outside even if it’s already 10 minutes to 6:00. I finally gave up trying to go back to sleep after waking up at past 4am and crawled out of bed to brew my morning cup. My brain is still trying to wake up all it’s circuits so I thought I’d just write up a list of disparate thoughts which, I hope, I can or might develop into a full blown post somewhere along the way.
Monday usually finds me feeling like I’m floating from the weekend to the rush of the new week. I do look forward to the start of the week and the thought of Monday as a reboot to the weekend just ended helps get me on my way. I wish there was a third day to the weekend, but then at the same time, I often find myself wishing the work week itself was 6 instead of just 5 days. (I know I’m blabbering, but I make no apologies because it’s a Monday — an EARLY Monday morning.)
Facebook (and my BFFs mom) yet saves my day (and pulls me out of the hole) from a missed Cindy Lauper concert promised to BFF Fe some moons ago.. We all make promises. I try not to. More so when I know there is a good chance I won’t be able to keep it, because I not only hate to disappoint the person I’m making a promise to, but worse, I disappoint myself.
I had an unplanned trip home in March 2012 (right after the Christmas visit of December 2011 and before the last trip this December 2013) and it so happened that Cindy Lauper was playing in Manila. I promised Fe we would go, but we didn’t. And I know she’s felt bad about that since . But over the weekend she posted something that sort of saved my neck (although not entirely). I’m sorry, Peps… even if you say I need not apologize.. I am. I knew you were looking forward to that concert and a promise is a promise. For whatever it’s worth, I have never enjoyed attending and dancing at a concert like I have with you — remembering that Side A concert we saw courtesy of you-know-who way back when I saw a lot of concerts and fashion shows.
Moving to New York in 2000 — (and I’m suddenly hit with “Wow — it HAS been THAT long!”) — I have always been content with the lifestyle choice I made when I started working here — until now. Knowing what I am and what I had accomplished before I moved here, and then taking that giant step back to adjust to my new life in New York, I wonder if I had not short-changed myself in embracing the “family is the reason I came here in the first place” bit in choosing the career path I took.
In many ways, I realize now that that choice was noble and pure and is still true in my heart (and all I have to do is look at the boy who unabashedly proclaims his love for me at every turn) — but I wonder if that choice had boxed me into a role and persona that was much, much smaller than the real person I am. (That’s a thought for me to ponder, and not meant to be answered here. Monday.. musings.. get it?)
I have come to realize that while ACCEPTANCE does not exactly equate to FORGIVENESS, it does help to push one forward to go past what one has no control over. I’ve always been an “I will fix this” kind of person. I don’t know if it’s arrogance or simply my bull-headedness about being able to control things and not letting things control me. For the past year, I’ve been grappling with a festering wound within that I have somehow managed to tuck deeper in my heart in a vain attempt to simulate healing. People ask me how I’m doing — I say I’m okay. Not exactly better, but I’m okay. That, in itself, is already “acceptance” in a sense — knowing where I am and where I’ve landed after the rollercoaster ride of the last year.
I had forgotten how I had missed school and my plans of taking on a course in History until recently, and over the weekend, when I embarked on a new journey of learning. Procrastination has been a close companion even in my younger years. Once it clings to me, it is so hard to shake it off. Not too long ago, I had enrolled in an online history course via podcast from YALE, and while I was sooooo excited at the start, I never went beyond the first lecture. Over the weekend, I got a new recommended course, this time from ColumbiaX, and I am actually excited — VERY EXCITED — to hit the books again. (You should see my eyes twinkling at the thought.) For all the years I spent with the Sisters of Saint Paul de Chartres (nursery to high school), the giant minds that helped shaped my once-sheltered brain to think more broadly at the College of Arts and Sciences at the University of the Philippines, and the most challenging years at the Ateneo School of Law with the Jesuits — one thing I missed the most when I got here was studying and learning and the challenge of reading and pulling together my own thoughts and analysis from a textbook.
I had even seriously thought of auditing classes at NYU (which is why I get their course catalogue every year), but then, I never had the time.. or couldn’t make time. Thanks to technology and everybody’s rush to be at everyone else’s fingertips, it’s a totally different classroom now, and I can be in it whenever I want to be in it. So excited for this one!
Some things we lose cannot be replaced — like the 5,000 or so photos on my iPhone (which aren’t on my cloud) — but I can always keep taking photos and immortalize future memories in the next handheld I get. It wasn’t so much the loss of the iPhone 5S which was part of the technology trove I get from work — but it was all those photos that I snapped away from blog graphics to pictures with my family and precious selfies of my funny guy and I. The iPhone is being replaced this week — and I’m not complaining even if there’s a company freeze on upgrades to the iPhone 6. But I cannot help but cringe at the thought of all the photos I lost, and the “notes” in the journal section where I had stored bits and pieces like my morning dose of the Serenity Prayer. (Which, after a year of saying it every day in the morning, I have yet to memorize.)
There were a ton of photos of my altered book which was meant to document the “bare background pages” to the finished journaled layouts which are now in limbo. Thankfully, my Thank You Postcard Project photos are actual scans of the postcards, so they were not on the iPhone.
I have somehow gotten over the initial disappointment, but it only serves to remind me that I should have backed up the files instead of relying on the fact that my iPhone and I were joined at the hip. That is, until it fell out of my purse and into someone else’s hand.
6:55 and my day has to move on now. I have indulged myself enough as I waited for the sun to start rising, and it’s slowly creeping up over New York City. That doesn’t mean I can just linger here.. which I wish… but cannot. It’s Monday, after all. Hope you all have a good start of the week.. I know mine has gotten off to a very good one.