I’ve been trying to start a post here since Tuesday, with no success. I don’t know if it’s the exhaustion of having returned to the gym that afternoon — or I’m just tired, period. (Should’ve listened to my joints protesting the torture.) A blogpost idea had been floating in and out of my head between the aches and pains and I just didn’t know how to begin it or write it. I usually have no problem just rambling on. However, there are certain thoughts and feelings that are sometimes difficult to couch in words.
There are times when you see or hear something or encounter someone or find yourself at a certain place, and then a moment turns into a torrent of realizations that suddenly fall at your feet. Chance encounters, glimpses of color or shadows or things that go past you — they somehow trigger a totally unrelated thought and you find yourself floating or sinking in a pool of something more profound.
I was trying to think of where I was this time around last year and trying to compare that with where I am right now. There’s a very big difference between then and now in both small and broad strokes. After what feels like a million baby steps, I think I’ve gone quite far and have gotten back up on my feet again. I see things differently now.
I won’t go as far as to say I see things in a better or in a less than favorable light — too many things have happened and there is not one statement covering it all. Someone was telling me I didn’t seem to be taking baby steps at all — but was actually jumping into the fray. I’d say all that is relative. I usually don’t find myself lacking the courage to just meet things head on or make my mind up about something. But when you feel like you don’t have all your faculties about you, you hesitate and second guess yourself.
I’ve been doing a lot of that this past year, and I’m trying not to anymore.
Time has an uncanny way of sweeping us through the days and just taking us from point A to point B with what feels like the snap of a finger. And yet after we realize we have arrived, we can’t forget that the journey seemed like a thousand times longer when we were actually on it.
“Life is short.” I heard that again this week. Not that I lack any reminders of the fact — what with friends losing their battle with the big c, my boy growing up right before my very eyes — other children in my life actually all grown now.. the seasons changing. (Can you believe we’re days away to 2015?… !) We keep uttering those three words but never really let its reality sink in. We don’t let go and just enjoy whatever it is in the now — in whatever time we are given. Or when given the chance to, we hesitate or refuse the chance to live.
I’m trying to do more of that — enjoying whatever it is I have now. I try not to overthink things too much — that way, I find more things to smile about instead of becoming the worry wart who thinks even the bits of happy are probably coming at a price.. later.
I’m studying again, highlighter and textbook in hand. (Angelo was asking why I was writing on my book… ! And I told him that’s how I read my textbooks.) I am R.E.A.D.I.N.G again — that, in itself is a step forward.. I am writing again — longhand letters, journaling, and I might even take a stab at prose one of these days. (After 15 years of silence on that front..)
Things that we didn’t used to notice like familiar buildings or walkways take on a different light when we see them after coming upon a new realization, or when something that comes our way changes our perspective.
That place or thing is changed forever in our minds. We don’t look at it the same way or experience it the same way ever again. It can be as simple as the feeling we had when we walked a certain path, or events that led up to that moment. And again, everything looks and feels different from that point forward.
We have to embrace that experience instead of fearing it and take that moment for what it is. When I was younger, I used to fight it. Not anymore. One thing that getting older has taught me is that sometimes, the best thing one can do is not to react when something happens. That it is best to neither fight nor accept it. Instead, it won’t hurt to just let yourself go with the flow, and live in the moment and bask in it. And for all you know, you might yet learn something new, or realize that the days are brighter now, and not as dark as you thought they were. Like I did.
And you find that something you never even paid mind to is actually a gorgeous canvas of lights and shadows when framed by falling rain on a nice autumn evening. So even when there is no falling rain to bring the same experience back, you see that part of a building differently, and it now has a new meaning to you each time you pass by it.