…I decided I would attempt to write a post after I unsuccessfully tried all week long.
It’s been a busy and heavy week. I have had a pretty good start of the year overall, but it had to hit a low point at some time. It’s not the worst of the worst or the lowest of lows, but it’s one of those weeks where I am happy to say it’s over.
Yes, we stil have snow around us, and walking through the snow laden pavement back home actually feels like walking through a frozen hallway. I have actually stopped wishing it away and just decided it is best to wait for Mother Nature to melt it down. Then I heard we might actually get more snow and of course, the reality of it is that winter is hardly over.
I have been trying to strike a balance between staying cool and letting my emotions go. Holding my anger in has always been a struggle, probably because I am a true child of Aries. But I try. For the most part, I know I have had better success the last year or so, probably because the lessons I have learned have helped to train me to not so easily give in to letting the anger get the better of me. But we all have our breaking point, and much like we find ourselves cheating on a diet, we sometimes end up forgetting our resolve not to give in to our weaknesses.
I am human. I am passionate and given to letting my emotions get the better of me. And I know that doesn’t make it any easier– but I think I’ve mellowed down quite a lot.
I no longer pounce — I usually hold my thoughts and feelings in and I process through it before opening my mouth. I have tried to get past the pain and the anger that had long been simmering inside me. I try to remind myself how far I’ve come.. That I am in a better place.. That I am better off without those people who chose to walk out of my life or who had decided to keep their distance. I have respected their choice, and I pray they respect mine.
A year ago, I decided I wanted a new life without having to live knowing my existence was an inconvenience being tolerated.. I can only imagine the insults and hours of laughter and amusement others enjoyed at my expense. A friend tells me I should stop being considerate and think of that — because why should I care about taking a step back instead of throwing a punch when they have been kicking me black and blue behind my back for the longest time. As I find myself digesting that I am torn between anger and sadness. I haven’t quite made up my mind about whether I will throw the punch or just sit it out just yet, but it has given me pause when I think about what to do next.
I dread moments when thoughts like that envelop my heart.
My usual escape is to run a list that make that all seem small in the grand scheme of things. I have pictures I go back to which bring a smile to my face. I have snippets of things that happened or happy moments etched in my mind. And while I am not in the happiest place on earth, I am in a pretty darned happy place. I have surrounded myself with people who know and understand me and who don’t require an explanation from me when I do something silly or create something just beyond fabulous. I laugh harder and I see my son laughing harder as well. We look at each other with a sense of partnership that speaks in a language he and I understand. I have learned to look to the happy memories instead of wallowing in the pain of the heartaches that may still linger in my heart.
It’s a glass half full.
Getting off and jumping into the last day of the work week. Happy Friday!