Looking back

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I am constantly going through my things, sifting through what I can give away, throw away, or keep.  There are always bits and pieces that somehow surprise me with a memory or a longer peek into “what used to be”.  Being very sentimental by nature, I used to find it hard to just discard or throw away things, even long after they have served their purpose in my life, or if their meaning has changed through time or by virtue of circumstance.  Letting go has never been easy for me, but several life altering  shifts that took place in the last couple of years have caused me to just do that more easily.

I am still not quite as adept at it as someone I know who will not think twice about throwing something that seems useless or nondescript.  I’ve seen pieces of projects and parts of other things go missing, only to find out later it was mistakenly thrown away.

But there are things that we need to get rid of or shed as we go through life.  Just as we shed people, we must shed things.  There just tends to be too much at some point in time and we must unburden ourselves of that load.  I am doing just that.

So I was actually looking for something else when I spied this notebook that I had used as a journal sometime in 2013, tucked somewhere in my room where I had meant to keep it hidden.  I didn’t forget about it, but I just didn’t feel the urge to write in it.  It was one of the “What do I really, really, really want?” journals.  Like millions of others who read “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert, I had followed her speeches and writings and picked up this prompt to help me focus on getting some clarity at a time when I felt I was “floating” needlessly.

I have at least two of these journals, the first one, definitely ended.  I was just hoping to read through the main response, not the journal entries themselves, and maybe make a visual summary of the answers I wrote down — but that idea got shot down once I realized where I was heading at the time I wrote that in 2012.  Not worth it.  Between then and now, I not only did a complete 360, but I had jumped from one universe to another.  Still, I thought, it would be helpful to be reminded of my state of mind and heart back then, if only to go back to the lessons I learned from that experience.  Once I’m done “being reminded”, that one will be shredded and gotten rid of in full.

The main idea is to ask yourself the question — and yes, you do ask “really” three times for emphasis — and then write about the first thing that comes to mind.  And as the days go, you can go back to your answers to get a picture of what it is that you have been writing in answer to the question.  After doing two books and here about to go on a third, I have discovered it DOES work for me.  (But that’s just me.)

This second book that I have, I had written on intermittently during one of the most volatile periods in my adult life.  In many ways, it got me to where I am now.  It made me who I am now.  So this one, I believe, is worth doing a visual summary for, and maybe even worth keeping.  I haven’t quite started reading yet as I just stumbled upon the book this morning, but you can see it has sparked a different kind of inspiration within.

I have leafed through the first 5 or 6 entries to start the visual summary.  I haven’t even read the actual entries and I could hear my inner voice screaming what I wanted, and I am relieved I had actually gotten myself to get it done.  It’s a very personal reveal that I’d rather keep to myself, but suffice it to say, even without reading back, writing those thoughts and sentiments made them a reality for me.  I think I got, and am on my way to getting, that which I really, really, really want.

 

Catching up

Beautiful #Springday in #NYC today as I walked through #BryantPark past the #NewYorkPublicLibrary. #springInNYC #manhattan #midtown #midtownmanhattan #tulips #flora #flowers #mynewyork #mynyc

I remember not too long ago, there was someone who told me flatly he could only help one person at a time and he turned around and “left”.  Some things just stay with you.  Even if not for the magnitude of it, but simply for the profound effect its brutal frankness has on you.  Another weird analogy:  a knife and an ice pick can inflict as lethal an injury as the other.  So it’s not size.  It’s all those other things that make it hurt.

It was a no.  It was direct.  And yes, at the time, it hurt.

I guess I’m just not that type of person who would say no or refuse to help unless it was absolutely impossible for me.  And always, if I can’t, I would find a way to find someone who can.  But that’s just me.

Again, someone was talking to me about “default settings”.  Some people are just wired to try their darnedest to help.  (Reminds me of Sir Davos who asked the forlorn Melisandre to bring back my fave Game of Thrones character, Jon Snow.) You just can’t give up.  I know I don’t easily give up.  Not on life, not on me, not on others.

So even when it seems I’m not accomplishing anything much, and I am almost “stalled”, I tell myself, “Get up and try again.”  Or simply, “Go!”

Write.

Craft.

Learn  something new.

Write.

So here I am.

Again, I’ve fallen behind in my craft space, although I have a post (or two) in the works.  And I’m behind responding to queries from the thirty or so people who actually read my blog. (Ha!  And yes, post is being drafted.)

Life happens.

Right now, work is good — busy but in a good way.  And slow though it may be, I think my plans for rebooting my life in general are well underway.  Still, I feel like I could’ve done more or want to do more and haven’t.  Going back to my ‘lists’ helps.  But there are those days when you just freeze or vegetate and not do a thing.  Not good.

I am my worst critic.  For the longest time, I listened to someone whose opinion mattered the most to me and believed I was less than who I was for failing that person’s expectations.  Then one day, I just woke up and realized the person I was looking at in the mirror wasn’t me anymore.  That “me” crawled out from under and shed that exterior that wasn’t mine.  I look back now and realize I had let myself down.  But I’m back.  I like “me” as I see her now.  I actually believe I haven’t done so badly the last couple of months, and things are only getting better.

I’m trying to catch up.. getting there.  Post done.  There.