Lightening the load

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My Monday kicked off to a busy start. There are Monday’s that start off slowly and build up– and there are those where I literally hit the ground running. Today was one of the latter, but it was also a day of distractions. Still, I tried.

I managed to hold my tongue when I felt compelled to say something to someone who had made me feel bad. Sometimes, I need to remind myself that some battles are won with silence and by being still, instead of waging war head on.

I have always been headstrong and outspoken. Often, my emotions get the better of me even now when I consider myself to have mellowed with age. Where others would think the so-called wisdom of the years would’ve calmed a firebrand like me, the years seem to have further fired up the quickness of my temper at the slightest provocation. It’s in the extremes.

At times, I surprise myself with my ability to just take things in stride and let it pass with nary a reaction from me. Or how I would shrug off a transgression and just chalk it up to a loss on the part of the other person. I have learned to let go when I can muster the composure to do it. But I am human. I still fall prey to the fangs of anger and my horns pop out and I am transformed.

I make no apologies, but I continue to try to be a better me. more so for the young boy whose spirit I have tried to nurture with kindness and generosity, so that he might imbibe the same traits. I try not to be so emotionally charged, or be quick to anger. The operative word there being “try”.

I end the day trying to find a sense of balance so that I can quietly and gently find myself deep in slumber tonight. I tell myself the day is done, and whatever challenges or worries plague me here, I must leave it at my desk and head home with as little as possible of that burden. I remind myself that there are words that are better left unspoken– because they will only stir up rancor and will not help me to feel better. So I hold it in. I delete the text I was typing. I choose silence. I write here.

One thing that I am always grateful for is that I can always find the words to let my pent up feelings out. In these lines, I find my release. And I am hopefully able to walk out with a lighter load.

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