There are times when I start a blog post with a title. I don’t have one yet for this one but hope to have one before I hit “publish”.
You know how sometimes a jolt comes from out of the blue and just unsettles you on an otherwise uneventful day? I used to be unaffected — or not so much as unfazed as quick to stand back up. These days, bouncing back isn’t always as quick like it used to be for me. I find myself questioning things beyond what happened.. sometimes even doubting myself. When mistakes happen, I used to just apologize — now it sticks. I ask why.. how did that happen.. should I try to explain my way out of it? Or just cop to it?
Is it just me getting older? Or am I just not as good as I used to be.. or maybe, the odds are just stacked against me.
I’ve always been prompted by a belief in a higher being. That, to me, is God. Others call it the Universe. I just know I am but a speck in this universe and there are bigger things that are beyond me. I’ve learned to go with the flow. If I forget something at home, I go back. To me, that is a sign that I should not forge on. There is a reason beyond my forgetfulness or carelessness and I should pay heed.
Sometimes, the disappointment creeps up on me and I ask if perhaps it’s time to change course. I pause and listen. I don’t always pay heed, but I listen.
Every morning, I pray. Not just for myself but for my family, my friends who have passed, and that I be good person. That I choose kindness. That I choose what’s right. I don’t always succeed. I’m not always the nicest or most helpful person around. That’s why I pray for it.
I’d like to believe I am a strong person. That doesn’t mean I am unmoved. It just means I keep going, no matter how slow it may be getting back up on my feet again.
I try to look towards the future and remain hopeful. A dear friend always tells me that hope dies last. So I cling to hope even when I feel at my lowest. And that helps me to regain my footing– even if it takes just a little while longer than it used to.