I’ve been trying to catch up with rest today, but it’s difficult to lie still when your body is periodically racked with heavy coughing. I am also not used to sleeping with my head this high since I cannot lie flat because of the asthma. All the struggle for air has also exhausted me, so while I am not confined to the bed because of this, I find it such a chore to move around. I did breakfast and then tried to rest two hours, then hit lunch and now get my break before dinner. (Since it’s just 1pm, I’m confident I’ll get some shut eye in before I have to return to the kitchen again.)
I hate it when I’m sick because while I’m not sickly, when I do come down with something, I tend to get hit hard. A simple cold or sore throat can easily be a precursor to asthma which usually takes me a week and a half to ride out. I’m almost done with the first week and will hopefully get to the “half” instead of a second week. I’ve been offered a ride to the hospital if needed but I think that’s a little too extreme. I’ve been worse. I just need to ride this out. It’s also not like the things I do will get done if I don’t get up.
I feel helpless, though, in the face of all that I had planned for the weekend. Of course I haven’t picked up my pliers, I haven’t had the chance to do any knitting (a precaution against further aggravating the asthma) although I think I have the right knitting needles now. The only thing that has moved is my art journalling although that has moved at a literal snail’s pace.
I have been waiting to hear from a friend but who, I guess, has been busy processing things. I patiently wait. One thing I’ve learned in recent years is that when some thing is beyond your control, you can either pray or just lay in wait. Spoken like a true disciple of Fe’s theories of the universe. =) (I know, pal, the universe is listening.. I just don’t think it’s heard me just yet.) I try not to do any processing myself because I’m afraid the old impatient me will kick in. It just makes me wonder how one can put a friendship on hold. Sometimes, processing takes more than one to do — like I usually process with Fe.. but that’s me and her
I try to take things lightly and just sit back here in bed. I would normally be already up in arms for not getting a response — but the answers will come in time. Perhaps the absence of an answer is an answer in itself. (Although Fe would argue against that.) I just know I’m exhausted — literally and figuratively. It’s like constantly drowning and coming up for air. I really shouldn’t be complaining because I’m used to being ignored. I remember one time I had written letters endlessly with nary a response until some mischievous room mate picked up the letters and sent me a hair-raising reply that brought my friend to the rescue. It sounds amusing recounting it now, but relating that to what’s been happening makes my heart sink anew. I thought I was promised this would not happen again. But we each have our guilt and grief that we must deal with our own way. Process, we must.
Sleep would be such a welcome respite from it all. Endless sleep. That would help my heart catch up and rest from running after each and every breath. The dreams would bring me some place where all is well. And maybe I might meet a little girl there I missed out on meeting in this life — and she might help me touch this heart that needs to know it’s alright to be happy now, that the sins of the past are forgiven, and the promises that have been made can be kept without it being at the expense of others. I know she would want that heart to move on — and she would say it’s alright to be happy.
I just wish the asthma would go. I just want to be able to sleep uninterrupted for a change. I woke up just before 5am this morning — and I can’t remember now if it was because I couldn’t breathe because of the cold or my chest was congested and I had to cough to clear my airways. I hate waking up because I gag and retch when I try to cough then. Nothing left for me to do but just ride it out.
Pinay New Yorker 