On turning 56 and other updates

I meant to write this post on the weekend I turned 56, but too many things have been happening that I haven’t caught a breath since, and it’s been more than 20 days.

It feels good to be 56. I see the wrinkles on my face and the wisps of white popping up in my temples and other unexpected places, but I can deal with all that. It’s called aging gracefully. I know I don’t look my age and I always say it’s Asian skin. (Thanks to the melanin!). It might also be because I’ve learned to embrace the passing of the years with acceptance, and a desire to enjoy life as best I can. I am in a happy place, even if a million dollars would make me happier. I could shed not just a few pounds, too, but I’ll take the pound or two that just loves me so much it refuses to leave me.

My not so little guy is actually a man now, getting ready to conquer the world and leave his mum’s protective embrace. Give me a little more time to come to terms with that as I watch him enjoy every meal I cook, or as he hugs me tenderly from out of the blue. And well trained that he is, he still calls out “I love you, mum” in the middle of his video game, guitar playing, or whatever he may be busy with. How he has grown.. how he has changed and stayed the same. If there is one proud accomplishment I can lay claim to, it’s raising this wonderful human being. Motherhood has made the passage of time easier to contend with when you see the heart in this human being you gave birth to. He is always his mother’s son— whether he’s here beside me or somewhere else being his own person. I will let go.. in time.. not just yet. So he plays the guitar and I sing “Yesterday”.. it’s our song not because of the lyric or what the song says, but simply because we can actually pull off a performance from start to finish and be proud of it. (Waiting for him to learn the other songs within my range..)

The son gifted me with two new books I requested. One was a book by former President Obama and Bruce Springsteen which, although I wasn’t a fan, was a bibliophile’s dream acquisition even if unsigned. And there was the paperback of one of my forever favorite authors, John Grisham, Rouge Lawyer. Reading has been such a welcome escape. He still owed me the dedication and birthday card. I have always been very sentimental with the birthday cards, more so from those who need to go out of their way to get one, and write from the heart. For those revealing words, I am truly grateful. And the Starbucks mug from England is a welcome addition to my collection. I always feel special when people remember I am a collector and bring me a mug home from their travels

So I laugh harder and louder. I greet everyone with a genuine optimism and joy — like I really mean the “good” when I said “Good morning.” I had a real smile on my face instead of the usual half-smile that went with the perfunctory greeting. I’m trying to learn more about hockey and trying to understand the men in ice skates and what they are all trying to do. I hang tight with the sudden u-turns but let my heart swing with the car— I don’t fight it. I try to set the pace with a gentle tug as a reminder that I take smaller strides and I don’t walk as fast. I listen but weigh the words— I watch from the distance, almost afraid to take it for what it is. In many ways, this golden girl has been jaded many times over, but not jaded enough not to enjoy the moment. There are just those moments that are meant to be savored as part of “now”, without regard for what comes tomorrow. I am happy.

Life, in general, has been busy. I feel like I am watching my days unfolding in very unexpected ways— and I’m discovering new things that have sparked joy. It was ironic that one of the best birthday presents I received actually came from someone who didn’t even know it was my birthday. It was very spontaneous and honest and raw. Who knew? Sometimes those little surprises that the universe springs upon us are the most impactful.

I feel like the universe is steering me in a certain direction that I am wary of heading towards, because of the choices that need to be made. I have always been open to the many possibilities that are out there, and I have learned to keep expectations and standards reasonable. I will take joy in any shape or form it comes in, and relish it while it is there for the taking. All I know is that I am listening to and watching how the universe is unfolding.

It was a happy birthday. I am smiling even now as I look forward to more surprises from the universe, like the ones that have come my way and have been a warm hug to my heart. I close my eyes and say a prayer of thanks. As a favorite verse says, “I know He hears. I see His sign, the ancient promise of His love.”

I give thanks. I sit in silence and listen. I just take it all in with gratitude and appreciation for all the good in my life. They have given me the strength to face the challenges and the pain with a firmer resolve to make it to another day.

I find myself in that point in my life where I’m thinking of the future. Perhaps it’s Angelo’s leaving for college. Perhaps it’s just that I have put off so many things for so long that they have caught up with me. And I’m wondering if decisions made before should be reconsidered and thought out again. In time.

Celebrating the ones we love

I’m getting ready to turn in as I write this. It’s actually Friday evening, but technically Saturday. I’ve been writing in my head since I put the last of the dishes away to dry and I lugged my phone and iPad to my room. Refreshed and changed, I’m ready to go to sleep, but I’m afraid the words running through my head will make it difficult. So I write.

My now 16 year old had a birthday dinner for two with his favorite gal. While my ex and I had agreed to celebrate his birthday together, there was no neutral ground to celebrate in with the restaurants closed, and what’s worse, he had been battling the flu. He thankfully tested negative for corona which was a relief, because he and the son have been hanging out while he started becoming symptomatic. I couldn’t deny him that as a parent, so when I got news he was running a temperature, I was worried. A doctor visit and a subsequent ER trip after, I had to,put my foot down lest the boy catch what the father had. I was relieved when the Dad relented. They will celebrate after he recovers.

I’ve always been big on birthdays. Last year, we went to a fancy steakhouse in Manhattan. The boy knows and loves his steaks. I picked one close to the ex knowing his usual longer hours at work would mean it would be easier for us to get there from where I work, and that was convenient because he told us as we sat to dinner that there was an emergency at work and so he could only spare an hour. When we were married, that would have been cause for a discussion, but things like that remind me why we are now uncoupled.

We ordered, had our meal, was served the birthday dessert, then I told him he could go ahead. The boy wanted to stay. So my son and I stayed and enjoyed the dessert and the ambience. Even if we had already taken pictures with us three in the shot, we asked the waiter to take more of just the two of us,

In the basement where the restrooms were, there was a sitting room which lent itself to quite the backdrop for more pictures. Then we walked out together and took more pictures before we picked up our ride home.

This year, I didn’t insist on pictures. He hadn’t shaved and the hair has grown out of bounds. And he didn’t want to. I didn’t let the lockdown stop us from celebrating with a tomahawk steak dinner. The boy loves it with rice and corn on the side. I whipped up some roasted potatoes, sautéed some mushrooms in garlic and I boiled two ears of corn for me. The Pinot noir was a perfect pairing.

Before we sat down to dinner, the ex dropped off a cake. He asked that I take a video of the blowing of the candle. I told the boy to call his father so they could do the cake virtually — better than a video! I was surprised that he texted me to give his son a hug for him.

That gave me pause. It dawned on me that he was feeling the separation deeply, from my son — not from me. I found that strange. Even when we were married, he would miss the birthday celebrations in school and I would take time off to serve cake and goodie bags even if the celebrant didn’t like cake. Where I felt strongly about celebrating birthdays on the day of, he always considered celebrations fluid and not pegged on dates. So if he missed the birthday cake in school, there was the weekend to make up for it.

And remembering last year and the emergency at work that made him rush off after an hour to celebrate his son brought me back to my senses. They can celebrate when he is better. That’s how celebrations worked for him all this time.. why should this one be different.

As for me and my son, we had quite the steak treat. The tomahawk required searing, broiling in the oven and basting on the stove again — and it was worth all that and more.. the steak lover gave it his seal of approval. I will write about that more tomorrow.. my bed beckons.. and it’s Saturday..

I am tired and a bit buzzed and smiling for the memories of tonight’s birthday celebration. Despite the limitations of staying home because of he Corona virus, we managed to pull off a memorable birthday dinner to celebrate. I am grateful.

Happy birthday, dearest Angelo. I love you to the moon and back.. always, in all ways.

Monday Musings: Another Stay at home week

I’ve been writing posts and they are hanging out in my drafts folder. There are so many things I want to write about but writing has been mostly in my mind — but I’m determined to get this all out here. More than a month into the stay-at-home deal, I’m still anxious about many things and now have to think about preparing for the return to work. I thought it would be a good idea to go back to something I’ve usually turned to when I’m in a writing rut — my Monday Musings which spew out blurbs and shorts of anything that comes to mind the moment I’m writing here.

Yes, we will be returning soon. Probably not until the month is out at least — So I’m thinking June. While the work-from-home situation has been a challenge, I consider it a blessing. I appreciate the fact that I still have a job and have a paycheck coming regularly, which come with the benefits and all those blessings. It’s been difficult because I don’t have the resources I have when I’m physically in the office, and I’ve had to devise new ways and means to do my work. But I have managed, and I really have no complaints. Well, maybe save for the fact that we are busy as ever, and the work from home deal hasn’t really meant less work. I am also thankful that I don’t have to worry about the commute in this kind of a situation. And when life returns to a sense of normalcy, we will adjust — we will cope.

I am already working on my personal face covering but that has been sidelined by my efforts to contribute to this Herculean task of beating the virus. We all do what we can. Still, I need to start thinking of the commute, and how we will be operating with the new safety precautions which, I am sure, we will be told and be constantly reminded about in the weeks to come.

Art on pause. For a first quarter that saw my art journal zooming into life, I have actually put the project on hold for the month of April. Not that there wasn’t anything to draw or write — I just burned out, I guess. Or maybe things just caught up with me. Or maybe I found the balance I was looking for in feverishly working on it the months before. My pages are waiting. I have the signatures all set. I have the sections figured out. I just need to pick it up again. This week, I promise.

Jewelry projects revisited. I did pick up a cab that I wanted to attempt to encase in crocheted artistic wire. I’m not quite happy with how it turned out but the attempt was a start. I am going to try to create a few pieces one of these evenings. I have tried to get on with the organizing here and there — something you’d think I’d have so much time to do. Not quite true. But the thought is there.. and in fact, I just might attempt to string some beads I am fancying and within reach here. If only there were more hours to the day.

A week of celebrations, it will be. My big guy will be 16 this Friday. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the tomahawk steak I ordered will arrive on time. He’s not one for cake but I just might bake him one. And on Sunday, it’s Mother’s Day. A whole lot of celebrating up ahead!

Congratulations are in order for the successful examinees who passed the Philippine Bar Exams of 2019. A topic near and dear to me — the feelings never gets old.. and personally, the wave of gratitude that takes me over every time as I look back to my own legal journey decades ago. (Oops.. dating myself here. LOL). But we celebrate all those victories — one of the highest, if not the highest passing rate in many years. To all those who made it, congratulations.

Let’s be kind and practice social distancing and wearing a mask. It’s the new way of saying “please” and “thank you.” With all the deaths and hardship that the whole world has witnessed in the past few months, a little kindness can go a long way.

Monday Musings: of Milestones and looking ahead

It’s another Monday and while it’s warmer in New York, it was a tad wet in the morning.  The day gave in to sunshine eventually and I think Spring finally got here!

I usually write my Monday Musings Sunday evening, but the day just got away from me.  So let’s give it a try as I chase after the clock with minutes to Tuesday.

Happy Birthday, Mama!  Like I posted on Instagram, I don’t usually post pictures of myself here — even if I do have the profile pic in that corner and this corner on the other blog.  That might change in the coming months, but I still do it with a lot of reluctance.  That’s my mom and I from December 2013 when I was with her last.  It’s been more than a year, and a homecoming is overdue.

While I’m missing her birthday, I do expect to celebrate when I get there — not just her birthday but mine, my brother’s (on April 7) and my bestfriend, Jonathan (April 4), as well as my sister-in-law.  (April 18).

But today is the 75th birthday of my beloved Mom.. to her I owe much of who I am today.  She continues to be a pillar of strength for me not just as  a daughter, but more importantly, as a mother.  I can only pray for more years with her — more so at this time when I need my mother’s loving care.  Even when she had reason to judge, she withheld judgment and simply told me the decision was mine to make.  And time and again, she has reminded me, I always have a place at her table, a room in her home, wherever that may be.  I love you, Mama.

Can’t wait to see you in just a few weeks and truly celebrate this milestone with the rest of your brood.

And speaking of birthdays..

I’m preparing for a better and happier birthday celebration as the Pinay New Yorker turns 49 in a couple of days.  Yes, I’m old.  But I’m happy I’m where I am right now.  I know it’s taking a step backwards saying last year was the worst birthday ever and anything a notch above would be a whole lot better — but I’m looking forward to nicer things and a better celebration this year.  Even if it means celebrating it with me, myself and I.

I’m busy picking a gift to myself.  Nothing fancy.  Just a little perk that will help make the day special.  I would’ve loved to watch Billy Joel on April 3, but like I had written, tickets ran out!  I’ve been making do with blasting his music on my iPhone instead.  (Not quite as good, but it IS still him singing.

I haven’t quite planned the day yet — I have to be at work — but it will be a birthday week yet.

Spring is finally here.  Just when I was about ready to get more of my winter coats cleaned — not to be put away but for extended use — we got a pretty nice day that seemed to give a good preview of spring being just around the corner.  I’m not holding my breath about winter finally going, though.  There were winters when the bigger storms still hit us in April.  Hopefully not.

And the Project might finally get off the ground.  It’s been stalled by life in general (and that thing called “work”).. I’ve been working on my pieced flowers again and hope to start with the actual postcards when I get back from Manila in May.

I’ve been focusing on this “Journey to Happy” which I’ve referenced in many of the projects I’m doing or have done, as well as my web presence.  It’s a reminder to myself to keep going and to keep doing things to finally bring me to that state of “Happy.”

Here’s to a great week ahead with a little bit of rain but warmer temperatures.  Another year for my mom — and a productive week for us all.

Making a wish

It’s been relatively quiet over the weekend. Nothing special or eventful — I did manage to recharge and rest. Even took a nap or two — the exhaustion of the previous week has caught up with me, and I’m ready for another round.

I continue with experimenting with my beads (rather unsuccessfully) — had some quiet home dinners of pizza and pasta. Had the time to work on my journal and dream of trips nearer to where I am. I am trying to find a place easily accessible by bus or train, yet near enough to allow a day trip/adventure on my own.

I wish..

My entry today for my journal was a simple line — “We used to think that making a wish would make things right.. and then we grew up.” Isn’t that so true? When life was simpler, we closed our eyes to make a wish and then we relied on luck and life in general to work its magic and give it to us. Or we prayed so hard to get that which we wished for. Until we realized that wishing and life don’t necessarily hold each others’ hands throughout the journey.

My wish today? Can we skip to May? Can you believe I’m turning 48 in a couple of days? I feel old that I don’t. I see those I knew as young children now getting ready to get married. Or now going to the prom. My own little tyke is now an almost tween — a few years early than his numerical age. And yet when I look into his eyes, I see my baby.. He will forever be my baby.

I’ve been trying to establish a semblance of being anchored again to the ground instead of spinning in a free fall like I have been doing the last six months.  Looking at my son and thinking of him helps me to grab onto something that is mine and is true and pure.

I get so amused when he tells me I can buy whatever I want within his bank balance.  I keep telling him I just want a string or two of pearls to make into a necklace — or better yet, something he made.  I guess he wants to feel like he really bought me something and I sense a hint of disappointment when I insist on the pearls because he wants to get me something fancier.

Fancy can wait for when he can get me the real diamonds he wants to get me.  He asks me how much they could cost… I said, I don’t really care.

I wish his heart will always be pure and true as it is right now.  I guard that happiness with a ferocity only a mother would know.  I have done things I never thought I was capable of in the name of my son… and I would do that all over again and more.

Another wish.. so I close my eyes, but more than wish, I pray.

Like every morning when I pray for him… and I entrust him into God’s loving care as I go about my day and he goes to school.

For now, I will let him make the wishes and believe they can come true.  He’ll grow up and realize there’s more to wishing soon enough.  Let it come when it comes…

Someone special’s Day today

I’m dead tired.  My legs are numb, my hands ache from scribbling and doing hand lettering for my one sentence journal.  I’ve been in bed since 10, but today is the day my little guy came into my life 9 years ago.  He’s exhausted and snoring already.

Happy birthday, Angelo… thanks for the sunshine, the love and the devotion.  My one beacon of hope that there is always hope, no matter what.. no matter how badly I fail or fall.

So today I turned 47…

THAT somehow feels so old.  And not even the genuine surprise of people who find out I’m as old as I am makes it feel any better.  47…

I spent the day with my “bodyguard” in the city.  Lunch at Junior’s in Times Square, a ride downtown to visit The Ink Pad (as recommended by Julie Fei-Fan Balzer of Balzer Designs, my crafting guru), then back to midtown to grab something at Sephora and then of course, the very point of the trek to the city: a visit to the flagship Toys R’ Us.  And what do you know — we even made it to the new flagship store of Disney a few steps away, then a quick snack at a McDonald’s a few steps farther we’ve never visited.

We were home by six.. dinner is being picked up from our favorite Thai restaurant, but we’ve opted to eat in after a long tiring day.

I’m exhausted.  I’m thankful for all the greetings — I haven’t even had the chance to respond on Facebook.  I’m just glad I got to spend my birthday with my boy.  We rode the bus, the subway (which he really enjoyed) and walked… and he still didn’t want to go home!  If I had the strength, I would have relented.

I had a really fun day… here’s to another year…hoping for the best.. but I’ll settle for better.

Happy birthday, Dad

My father passed away two years ago, a week after his birthday, which is today.  I miss him dearly, and I often think of him.  Many people who knew him used to tell me when I was younger that I was just like him.

I was the closest to him and yet our relationship was strained.  As I used to say to my half-sister who nursed a lot of hurt in her heart for my Dad and her Mom’s shortcomings as far as she was concerned, Dad loved her — it’s just that he didn’t know how to show it the way we would have wanted him to show it.

I was the favorite — when everyone else refused to speak with him, they made me face him and negotiate with him.  When he was dying, they called me from his deathbed and I told him between sobs that I was not mad at him, that I loved him.  His death was expected but it hurt me deeply when I got the news.

There is so much that I want to say to him now and I know he would listen silently, furrow his brows, and if I unloaded my burden to him, I know he would just keep silent and listen.  He would understand.

I would normally have wished that I was there to take care of him, but his final days were full of strife and pain.  I guess in a selfish way, it was good that we were oceans apart.  Less angry words were said although there were angry words exchanged.

I’m just glad he’s at peace now.  I know that wherever he is, he isn’t having difficulty breathing — he isn’t in pain.  Knowing that makes it easier to accept that he is gone.  And whatever sins he had committed, he has been forgiven.

I miss hearing his voice — and hearing his laughter.  I have many snapshots of him in my mind I keep going back to.  And even in my grief, he makes me smile when I remember his antics and his jokes and the happy times.  I dwell on the happy rather than the sad.  There is enough sadness knowing he is no longer here with me.  At least when I stick with the happy memories, my heart smiles, and it helps me deal with the grief better.

Happy birthday, Dadang.  I know you know we all love you deeply… and we always will.  I know now that my fears as a child that I would end up in heaven and you would be in the other place are unfounded.  I know you will be there to meet me when my turn comes to go into the light.

A special birthdate

Saturday, May 26, is the birthday of three very special people to me.  My youngest brother, Nikolai and one of my favorite god daughters, Andrea Isabelle, are both turning a year older.  and there’s my classmate since grade school, Pia. What a special day indeed!

I just hung up the phone with Nikky who is attending a friend’s wedding somewhere in Cainta. Eeya is now a special ed teacher in Singapore and I’m hoping to touch base with her before the weekend is over. Pia, I need to find out first if she is already back from Europe. Each of these special people deserve a separate post altogether which I hope to do during this long weekend. I am just so happy to have been blessed with their love.

Happy, happy, happy birthday!

Dear Angelo

Dearest Angelo,

Thank you for all the joy, the love, and for having come into my life eight years ago.  Mama loves you dearly and will love you forever, even when Mama has gone to heaven.  Like I’ve started telling you, I will always be with you in your heart.  And I know that for the many hugs and kisses that I have given you, you will have enough in your memory to keep you company even when you start forgetting things as an old man.

Thank you for the warm hugs, and the big, wet, sloppy kisses — for the calls that come one after another — sometimes just to tell me you love me.  I will never tire of hearing you say it, nor to have you request to sit on my lap.

You have made Mama very, very, very happy.  Happy birthday, anak.  My wish is that you grow up to be a good person, to always be mindful of others, and to grown up to be a fun-loving and happy man like the child that you are now.

Mahal na mahal na mahal ka ni Mama… (And I can hear you answering, “Mahal na mahal din kita, Nanay.”)

Love you more..

Mama