Worthless

There comes a time when we find ourselves looking at everything around us, and we compare ourselves to what we see, and a feeling of worthlessness lands squarely on our shoulders.  We realize that everything we have done or put together and built our lives upon are meaningless.  We are meaningless.

I’m not trying to wax poetic.  It’s a very regular thing that comes flying from out of nowhere and lands on our shoulders whether we welcome it or not.  A sense of not having any meaning or purpose.  It is a time of vulnerability.  It is a time when we take stock and look around us and see things for what they are — the illusion of what we once thought was beauty appears as it truly is: ugly.

The good we thought we saw was actually a sham — a facade that was put on so we wouldn’t see the truth.

The year is about to end and everything around me is just plain darkness.  Someone thought it was alright to steal what was mine and ruin what was not perfect but was good.  Someone thought that just because her own world was dark, she had every right to spread the darkness into mine.  Shame on you, Beth Baja.

 

 

 

 

 

Between sighs

We finally got a reprieve from the heat today. I actually noticed a cooler breeze last night which was a refreshing change from the otherwise oppressive heat of the previous weeks. It was even chilly this morning. Nature has its way of balancing things as always.

My rain boots proved to be unnecessary but I hate walking home in the rain with the extra aggravation of literally walking with cold feet.

My mood seems to be in synch with the gloomy weather these days. I don’t know if it’s my late father’s birthday coming upon us or his death anniversary around the corner, or the finality of saying goodbye to Donna again who leaves our side of the world tonight to go back down under. July is not an upbeat month. So I try harder to make it upbeat — I think of my favorite niece, Julia’s birthday… And summer which, despite its punishing heat, is my favorite season because it’s the closest New York will ever come to mimicking the hot days back in Manila. I think of July as being past midway through the year which means December cannot be far behind.

They said that if you think happy thoughts and try to make a list of blessings in your life, you will actually be able to fight the sadness.

And there’s just avoiding wallowing in the negative. I thought about writing about Papa but thinking of his birthday and passing in one linear thought is just too much for my heart to bear. Even just glossing it over now is hard. The grieving never really stops or ends. We just learn to cope better.

 

Solace in Prayer

It was one of those days when my energy seemed to have ebbed early on in the day. A heaviness enveloped my heart although there was nothing particularly unsettling to have brought on the feeling. Perhaps it’s because spring seems to have changed its mind and the brutal cold winds hit me hard when I walked the boy to school and waited at a no-shed stop afterwards to finally get to work. I fell asleep through most of the commute. That one, I had an explanation for. My alzheimer/dementia sick mother-in-law had been puttering around the house and roused me at 2:30am. By the time I got up, she had gone back to bed. For the most part, I try to ignore her. After feeding her breakfast this morning, I focused my energies on the boy.

We no longer walk hand-in-hand although he reaches out for mine when we cross driveways and streets, but he let’s go once we’ve made it to the other side. He stops a few meters from the school entrance to kiss me and ask for a hug, but refuses to do the same where he knows the other kids will see. And to think he’s only turning nine.

Somehow more than physical exhaustion took me over. Again, a heaviness of the heart. I tell myself to “let it go”.  That thought kept resonating in my head over and over again throughout the day.  The cold and gloom outside didn’t quite help.   But I made it through the end of the day.

I don’t know why but I found myself searching for this favorite prayer/poem of mine penned by Nobel Laureate Rabindranath Tagore.  I finally found it minutes before I was to shut down my system and just walk out.  One of these days, I will render this in my own handwritten lettering.  I’ve always found inspiration and strength in these words:

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers
but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain
but for the heart to conquer it.

Let me not look for allies in life’s battlefield
but to my own strength.

Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved
but hope for the patience to win my freedom.

Grant that I may not be a coward,
feeling Your mercy in my success alone;

But let me find the the grasp of Your hand in my failure.

Silence

I was hoping to catch up with posting about my swaps which had made it to their intended recipients — or of the big trip I took last Saturday… but the events that unfolded in Boston this afternoon totally threw me off and had shocked my mind to silence.  It’s only now as I am getting ready for bed did I finally find the words to write.

I’m praying for the families who lost a loved one — of the more than a hundred people injured.  One of the fatalities was an 8-year-old boy.  When I heard this, I called my son to me and hugged him tight.  I feel for the mother and father now grieving the loss of their child.

Yet another reminder of how fragile life is.

Thank You, Lord, for another day… for bringing my son home safe.  Every day, I pray that he be kept safe and healthy in Your care.