I’ve been hoping to write a post here for ages but it has been a very busy past couple of days. When the opportunity came, I opted to work on the Gotham Chick post first because that blog has been badly neglected and I feel bad about it. I am trying very hard to jumpstart that corner of my webspace but life and work and life again get in the way.
You know how you wish you could tick off even just half your list of “to do’s” and then find yourself unable to even write that list? It can be paralyzing at times.
These days I just want to space out. I have been thinking of hopping on a subway line and taking it from end to end over and over again. But I don’t have the time. I used to feel that way every time I got on e a long-distance bus ride — I just kept wishing I could just keep going without stopping.
In between ordinary chores like washing the dishes or just putting the dry ones away, I think about taking a trip some place on my own and just “disappearing” into a sea of tourists or like travelers. Some place new where I’ve never been before. I wish.. but I can’t.
I sit at my craft corner and start organizing the beads hoping the inspiration to create would come but I get stumped. Time seems to be dragging its feet one minute and then slipping by too quickly in the next.
I want to jump to May.
This time of the year hasn’t been very good for me because celebrations have been non-celebrations for the longest time. What should be Happy moments turn out to be numb if not sad.
I had to pause after that last line. A half smile forms in my face and I try to remind myself I have been blessed.
Someone’s been telling me I have won. That I should be happy because I have won. Yet I am reminded of those Pyrrhic victories which were indeed wins but which were achieved at a terrible, terrible cost. These days I often have to remind myself the reason for why I fight for what I fight for. Sometimes I stray into a gray area and I find myself looking for some sense of balance which I shouldn’t be looking for — because I should be viewing it from another perspective.
I have to remind myself of the reason why I am where I am. I have to remind myself of the choice I made and why I made that choice. Forget about the ones that caused me pain and sadness. I look to the one who has given me my greatest joy.
Another pause. This time I smile. A real smile.
There are many things I dread coming to pass these days. Birthday being one of them. I get hundreds of greetings thanks to the automatic reminder feature of FB, but I don’t quite get all the ones that really matter. And much as I would love to respond to each and everyone, I never quite get around to doing it. (Too slow, I know.) It’s not so much that I’m turning another year older and I am getting old — but all the “happy” associated with birthdays ring hollow to me more so at this time. I used to hear people wanting to sleep through Christmas or whiz by their special day for some reason or other — and I never quite understood what was wrong with these people. Now I understand why.
And remembering certain things associated with past birthdays — more so last year’s — makes it really hard to look forward to this coming one. I’m tempted to say that after everything that had taken place, I cannot go to anything worse. It can only get better as they say. But I had said that of my life in general over a year ago, and 2013 proved me wrong. It did get worse — so now I try not to tempt fate by proclaiming a hollow optimism after the storm. I have learned that the pragmatic thing to do is actually just brace for whatever else life throws my way — be it good or bad. More than hope for something, I need to pray and pray hard I must.
I am trying to count my blessings. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or unappreciative of the breaks life has thrown my way. It’s just that I’ve fallen very hard the last two years, my knees are still smarting from the deep cuts — and the aches and pains haven’t quite gone away. Who was it who said scars make you beautiful… they are reminders of how strong you are… they probably were looking at someone else’s scars and did not suffer that kind of a fall themselves.
Spare me the birthday greetings — not because I don’t like getting them — but because I’d rather ask for your prayers. I’m two years shy of the next milestone agewise, and I would like to think I’ll be at a much better place then than where I find myself now, whether or not things do get better or things get worse. (Does that make sense? It does to me.)
I have realized a lot of things more so in the last six months which I sometimes wish I didn’t uncover or have to face. We sometimes find that illusions or the way we’d like to believe things are are safer than the truth that they mask, just under the surface.
I want to go on a short trip to this resort hotel and book a room and just lay there in bed, staring at the ceiling. To feel how it is to be there in that place.. and to just see the sun rise outside my window.
I want to believe in me again the way I did before my illusions about my world were shattered to bits. Sometimes that is the hardest because I am my own worst critic. I wish the pain would go so that “happy” can have room and reign again.
I am trying.
Even as I count the days to one of the occasions I dread — for many reasons, in many ways.